WARNING: there's some embarrassing and not so proud moments written...maybe hard for some to read.
I
What about the girlfriend? What about the one who is in love with him? Not just loves him, but IN love?
He started crying. He had a blank stare but was starting to cry-then weep-now sobbing. He hates himself and knows what a shithead he is. Probably doesn’t really know because right now all he can think about is how quickly he can leave my dorm, get to his car and drive 40 minutes south so he can get his real love.
He used to love me. He used to want me. He used to dream about me, spend money for me, talk about me. Now all he does is think, breathe, sleep for meth. Actually there is no sleeping at all. Except for when he comes to my dorm to sleep for a full day or two. And then up and gone the moment Mike, the dealer, calls.
He just woke up. I’ve been trying for hours to get him up so maybe we can spend some speckle of time together. I literally jumped on the small, twin sized bed a few times but he didn’t even nudge.
That damn, fucking dealer. Fuck him and his stupid pit bulls.
I’m supposed to be out having fun my freshman year of college. I’m supposed to be meeting people and discovering who I am as an independent. But what am I doing instead? Trying to hang out with my druggie, cracked out, low life boyfriend. I’m worrying about him day in and day out. I have no life of my own.
I don’t know how long he’ll go this time without sleep or calling me. This time I hadn’t heard from him for two days. He had his phone off ignoring me. I feel like his fucking mother, always worrying.
I am all alone. No one knows.
Maybe I should tell his mom-no. He will get better. He will realize he is ruining his life and will get better. He has to if he wants to be with me. Which he does because what we had was too perfect to throw away. This is just a phase.
How long will he be gone? He called me last night at 3 in the morning crying. He hadn’t been asleep in probably the two days he’d been avoiding me. He was already on his way when he called. I couldn’t say no because with him here, I know he’s safe.
He hasn’t even woken up to pee all day. I don’t know what time he fell asleep. He was still up when I left this morning for class at 7:30. It’s 9 p.m. now and he’s been dead asleep-until now. Fucking Mike. Calling my best friend back, away from me.
All I can do is see how long I can get him to stay. It has turned into a game. Me vs. him-only it’s not fun at all. The love of my life is about to leave me again for a drug called “ice.” I’ve learned that guilt trips don’t work. The moment I make him feel more guilty and more down about himself, the quicker he reaches for that one substance that makes him feel great.
Sex. What eighteen year old male would turn it away? I try to get naked in front of the door-naked block-there’s no way he’s going to resist. He’s gotta be itchin for some sort of touch, it’s been awhile since we’ve done anything sexually together. I start to touch him, unbutton his pants and offer to do anything if he stays with me. I’m crying the moment I make the offer. I don’t mean to but it just starts pouring out.
DAMN IT-guilt.
I probably look ridiculous. I can’t breathe because not only is he going to leave at any moment but he no longer wants me. My body is not working. Crying is not working. I try to block the door knob. He’s really skinny and weak, I have somewhat of a chance.
I’m at my all time weakest point emotionally. “Please, please please! I beg you, just stay. WHAT ABOUT ME!?” I’m yelling. “What about what I need?! You need that stupid fucking drug but I NEED YOU! I need my best friend too! I’ve been here for you, now where are you for me?! I need you to love me and hold me! You’re my best friend. Please, please please!”
I can’t stop crying-hold it in. Maybe he’ll stay a second longer...
Gone.
So fast-he’s gone.
I hope no one down the hall can hear me, though without a doubt, I know they can.
This moment-I’m uncontrollably crying like a three year old who wants her mommy. Only I can’t call my mommy and tell her my drug addicted boyfriend who “loves” me has left me again crying so he can go use.
Why have I let myself get to this point? How have I gotten here? I’m the girlfriend to a meth head. I am the girlfriend to a meth head?!
He just left again. And I’m sitting here crying after yet another unsuccessful, pathetic beg for him not to leave me for that life-sucking drug.
I dial his number but his phone is already off. I push talk again just in case. Maybe he just had no service. It rings once, then voicemail. Here we go again.
My roommate has come home. We have separate bedrooms but share a living area and bathroom.
Stop crying. Perk up-Stop crying Tessa. Stop fucking crying!
After I’ve let my red face clear, I have to go out and watch our weekly show.
She asks me if I’m okay and I lie.
