I haven't worked out in two weeks--
TWO WEEKS!!!!
I feel so guilty...but at the same time, not enough to get me to go. Looks like I'm in a rut. OH CRAP! I don't want to be in a rut, but I can't make myself go!
What happened to that motivation I had goin for me??
My mom said I've hit a plateau. I've lost 5 lbs. since I started my workout/healthy eating thing and I haven't been able to kick more lbs. off yet! I need/want to lose another 8-10 but keep sitting on the same weight no matter how little and healthy I eat and how much I work out. She assures me that I need to stick to it because I WILL eventually keep losing weight, I just have to get by this plateau stage.
So how do I get myself back to the gym?? How do I put myself back on the healthy eating obsession I had going for a bit?
Is this about being healthy or am I trying to just be skinny??
Ever since I can remember, I've had an obsession with my weight. You can ask pretty much any roommate I've ever had...any coworker I've complained to...I'm NEVER happy with my weight and it always becomes a topic that I talk people's ears off about.
I'm not even fat. I know I'm not. I may not be happy with the way I look sometimes but I do know that I'm not fat. It's taken me a very long time to be able to realize that. I've had this obsession with my weight since I was in high school because I truly believed that I was fat. HA! Sure wish I could go back to that body I had then!
No I'm not fat, but in my family... I'm the biggest one. Especially after my mom discovered this quick weight loss diet that has worked wonders for her. She looks awesome!
After dabbling a little with very unhealthy weight-loss techniques... :\
I finally landed on adderall-that's healthy right?? (I hope you know I'm kidding)
I took adderall for years. Technically I do have ADHD (ha, I'm sure any of my former teachers would attest to that). I was diagnosed at a young age (one of the perks of having psychologist parents!) and have taken some sort of ADD/ADHD medicine since the age of 9. But I was never consistent with it.
Once I realized that it worked as an appetizer suppressant, I became very consistent with it. For years my weight management was solely managed my adderall.--and then I met Joseph.
Not only did he make me feel comfortable with my body. He realized what I relied on to stay thin and did not like it at all. He finally sat me down and explained to me why it was not good to be taking that and that he didn't even like the person I was when on it.
Normal= very bubbly, giggly, outgoing person
On Adderall= quiet, anti-social, serious, sad
"Either you stop taking that drug or I walk out of that door, you choose."
EASY ANSWER. There was no way I was going to let such a great guy walk out of my life all because I can't stand to be heavier than 107 lbs.
I started gaining weight....
kept gaining weight...
can't just eat whatever I want??
gained more weight...
Waking up almost 3 years after I "quit" adderall and after eating plenty of whataburger and fried foods...I weighed myself. I saw a number that shocked me...seeing 125 large, bold and staring at me with a grin from the scale... S*** hit the fan!!
(just to explain, I know that 125 isn't a lot but I am 5'1"--My average weight for my height is 105-115)
Can't fit into those size 2 jeans I was wearing while taking adderall. Can't fit into those "fat" size 4 jeans I was wearing on bloated days.
After I started working out and eating healthy in January, like I said, I've dropped 5 lbs. I don't expect to ever get back down to 107, but I would like to get to at least 112 again--soo 8 more lbs! Only 8 more!!!!!
Adderall is still something that is floating around in the back of my head. But that would be the easy way out. I need to be healthy, toned, and happy!
That's it! I've reached my motivation point again!! Away I go to the gym! Lets be healthy and feel good about ourselves!! WITHOUT UNHEALTHY "HELP"!
P.S.-those 5 lbs have allowed me to squeeze back into those size 4's...but still wearing bigger sizes for different pants.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
SNOW!?
Sooo after living in Texas for 23 years I think I've only seen it snow a total of 3 times. Actually, more like ice.
So you can understand why I got so excited last night when I heard that it might snow today. I didn't want to get my hopes up but the news said 70% chance! Usually if they say it might snow, it doesn't!
This morning while running to my car, after my sweet man started my car early to warm it up for me (aww so sweet <3), sleet was rushing down!!--GOOD SIGN!! snow could be just a few hours away! We were sitting inside watching a movie (educational of course) when I noticed...SNOW!! not just a little ice, but big flurries of SNOW!! I screamed, literally :\, then rushed the kids to get their coats so we could go play outside!
No, it was not sticking on the ground. Yes, I understand that people from up north (even just north Texas) are not by any means effected by the little amount of snow we get down south.
But seriously?? How beautiful and amazing!! At the risk of sounding silly/childish, I HAD SO MUCH FUN IN THE SNOW TODAY!! Probably more than the kids!
Though it completely ruined my DO for the day, I was thrilled and ecstatic to have gotten to play in the snow in TEXAS!!
I've skiied before, I've seen good snow. But snow in Texas?-not so much!
It ended up snowing for only about 10 minutes. Then a few hours later it started pouring down snow again and this time it DID stick to the ground!!
So happy that the kids got the opportunity to play and enjoy the snow!!
And soo happy I did too!
OH! the beer bread turned out Awesome!! I'm sure you were just DYING to know!
So you can understand why I got so excited last night when I heard that it might snow today. I didn't want to get my hopes up but the news said 70% chance! Usually if they say it might snow, it doesn't!
This morning while running to my car, after my sweet man started my car early to warm it up for me (aww so sweet <3), sleet was rushing down!!--GOOD SIGN!! snow could be just a few hours away! We were sitting inside watching a movie (educational of course) when I noticed...SNOW!! not just a little ice, but big flurries of SNOW!! I screamed, literally :\, then rushed the kids to get their coats so we could go play outside!
No, it was not sticking on the ground. Yes, I understand that people from up north (even just north Texas) are not by any means effected by the little amount of snow we get down south.
But seriously?? How beautiful and amazing!! At the risk of sounding silly/childish, I HAD SO MUCH FUN IN THE SNOW TODAY!! Probably more than the kids!
Though it completely ruined my DO for the day, I was thrilled and ecstatic to have gotten to play in the snow in TEXAS!!
I've skiied before, I've seen good snow. But snow in Texas?-not so much!
It ended up snowing for only about 10 minutes. Then a few hours later it started pouring down snow again and this time it DID stick to the ground!!
So happy that the kids got the opportunity to play and enjoy the snow!!
And soo happy I did too!
OH! the beer bread turned out Awesome!! I'm sure you were just DYING to know!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Finding a Reason to write...
It's been a loonnngg Monday. After a long, not very relaxing weekend, it was very difficult getting out of bed this morning. Not to mention the fact that it was raining and chilly outside, thats just my sweatpants and bed beggin me to stay snuggled up!
I have to be at work at 7 and clocked in at 7:04. Dang it! That's the billionth time I haven't made it by 7. New job means I need to be a good worker, show them that I am not EVER worth losing..and here I am showing up late. Whatever, I felt like poop so being 4 minutes late wasn't incredibly important to me.
It seemed as if the ladies I work with all seemed to be having a "poopie" morning also-phew not the only one!
On top of feeling lazy and stressed... I'm feeling tired, irritated, sore (from working out-duh!), and I have an awful headache.
What a way to start the week.
Even though I'm usually tired going into work, I try to stay positive. I'm getting much better at waking up so early and it's been easier for me to keep a smile on my face. Not to mention when the kids do cute things, it's easy to stay cheerful throughout the day.
Except today.
Today I just couldn't seem to kick it. I wouldn't say I was in a bad mood, just feeling off and not my normal happy self.
When I got home, I crawled into bed. (I get off work at 3:30 so I'm home by 3:40, perfect for afternoon nap time) But of course, wasn't feeling as tired anymore so I got up and wanted to be productive. So I attempted to hang up the new curtain I bought for our room, but who am I kidding?? Me use a drill?? HA! I really wish there was someone filming me trying to drill...made myself laugh-OOOHH I LAUGHED!!-Monday startin to look up!
I then sighed and realized that sometimes I do actually need a man to do some things around the house-like drill!
I then remembered that an old teacher that I had in the 7th grade (not old, former) has a blog that she puts recipes on. And so I decided that if I found something that I already had the ingredients for, I would be domestic and make it! BEER BREAD!! Mmmmm!!! I looovvee beer bread!! Coincidentally I had all the ingredients!!
DING!
IT'S READY!! LET YA KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT!!
(good monday!)
Hopefully tomorrow will be better... NO IT WILL BE BETTER!! HERE I COME TUESDAY!! GOOD TUESDAY!
I have to be at work at 7 and clocked in at 7:04. Dang it! That's the billionth time I haven't made it by 7. New job means I need to be a good worker, show them that I am not EVER worth losing..and here I am showing up late. Whatever, I felt like poop so being 4 minutes late wasn't incredibly important to me.
It seemed as if the ladies I work with all seemed to be having a "poopie" morning also-phew not the only one!
On top of feeling lazy and stressed... I'm feeling tired, irritated, sore (from working out-duh!), and I have an awful headache.
What a way to start the week.
Even though I'm usually tired going into work, I try to stay positive. I'm getting much better at waking up so early and it's been easier for me to keep a smile on my face. Not to mention when the kids do cute things, it's easy to stay cheerful throughout the day.
Except today.
Today I just couldn't seem to kick it. I wouldn't say I was in a bad mood, just feeling off and not my normal happy self.
When I got home, I crawled into bed. (I get off work at 3:30 so I'm home by 3:40, perfect for afternoon nap time) But of course, wasn't feeling as tired anymore so I got up and wanted to be productive. So I attempted to hang up the new curtain I bought for our room, but who am I kidding?? Me use a drill?? HA! I really wish there was someone filming me trying to drill...made myself laugh-OOOHH I LAUGHED!!-Monday startin to look up!
I then sighed and realized that sometimes I do actually need a man to do some things around the house-like drill!
I then remembered that an old teacher that I had in the 7th grade (not old, former) has a blog that she puts recipes on. And so I decided that if I found something that I already had the ingredients for, I would be domestic and make it! BEER BREAD!! Mmmmm!!! I looovvee beer bread!! Coincidentally I had all the ingredients!!
DING!
IT'S READY!! LET YA KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT!!
(good monday!)
Hopefully tomorrow will be better... NO IT WILL BE BETTER!! HERE I COME TUESDAY!! GOOD TUESDAY!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Ohhh Love!
Does it last?
Or does it come and go?
Or does it, overtime, disappear?
-LOVE-
I've been in love twice now. At 23...not sure if that's a good thing or not.
I've been lucky with my two loves. My first love was an experience that was, like most first loves, thrilling and a huge rush of emotions that at the age of 17, you don't really know how to handle. I admire those who are still with their "high school sweethearts" because they, to me, seem to have beat the system in some way.
Being young and in love is a very dangerous thing. You act out on your emotions without thought most of the time (at least I did) and for me, things in my life were put on hold that shouldn't have. I sacrificed so many important factors in my life so that I could enjoy this one emotion-Love.
But falling in love was exciting and after about two years and a handful of awful events in our relationship, we called it quits-well I did. I just woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to be with him forever- that I was young and that I wanted to see the world without him by my side- that maybe it was possible that I could live without him in my life. And so I made the dreaded phone call and with only a few tears, said my good-bye.
The easiest part about the break up was that he already lived out of state. So, though there were plenty of phone calls, there was no seeing each other. Which to be honest, if we did live in the same place and I tried to break up with him, I think that I would've been persuaded to stay with him. Maybe I knew that we weren't meant to be for awhile and once he moved away was when I realized it.
My second love (current love) is oh so much better. We fell in love ridiculously fast and while I had a lot of the same rushing and thrilling emotions, I have had the experience of knowing how to control ALL of my emotions instead of focusing on only one.
It's been 3 and a half years now and I'm getting scared. Not that I don't love him...or whether or not I want to be with him. But I'm starting to have some feelings of being settled and I think we've both become comfortable. Which is odd because we're not even engaged, how do I feel so settled? We have a routine. We wake up early, go to bed early. Every day is the same. I'm getting bored. We've lost some connection too. It made me think back onto my first love. What if this is just what happens to relationships? What if this is just what happens with me in relationships? Maybe I'm incapable to have a lasting, loving relationship.
Do I still love him?
Yes
Am I happy with him?
Yes and No
We've been fighting a lot. We're stressed so we get irritated with each other. Then we get more stressed and more irritated. We don't find humor in anything anymore. We go into separate rooms to watch our shows. When did I wake up in a 50 year long, unhappy marriage!?
Is it fading? Are we fading as a couple? What can you do to steer in the opposite direction? I don't want to end things. He's wonderful to and for me (other than when he's irritated). Is this normal? Do other couples that seem so great have these problems? Does this mean we're doomed? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!
So we had a talk.
(and I'm very proud of myself because I didn't cry that much)
The topic of breaking up came up. We both quickly agreed that that was not what we wanted. But if things keep going how they do, we're not going to be happy together and it seemed like breaking up made more sense.
Except for something. There's something in me and in him that doesn't want to quit. There's something in us that is telling us to explore and find a way to fix this. No we're not married. But I still feel a sort of commitment to him. There's no ring or paper but there's that something.
"I want to feel close to you again, I miss you"
That got me. (tears started coming) He misses what we had. He wants this to work just as much as I do. He's feeling the same scary feelings!
So we proceeded with answering all of those questions. And each of us reflected on ourselves to discover what we are dealing with personally that is effecting the relationship.
It's not fading! It's been blocked by all the negativity and crappy stuff. There's no need to get fired up about something silly. It's ok if when he gets home from work, tired from working a 12 hour day, that he doesn't want to stay up late to talk. :)
There's a difference between my two loves (well there's a lot). When I contemplated breaking up with my first love, I got it done. I didn't second guess it, I wanted and knew that it was time. When I contemplated a break up with my love now, I got an ache in my stomach. I didn't want to end things and give up. I had a talk with him to figure out how he was feeling, not to end things.
That happened Friday evening. It's Sunday and I feel significantly better. We feel better. I can feel the happiness and security. I can see the Love again and am letting myself really feel it for the first time in awhile. I'm probably sharing too much. :\
I think that love can disappear.
I think love can come and go.
I think love can last.
Or does it come and go?
Or does it, overtime, disappear?
-LOVE-
I've been in love twice now. At 23...not sure if that's a good thing or not.
I've been lucky with my two loves. My first love was an experience that was, like most first loves, thrilling and a huge rush of emotions that at the age of 17, you don't really know how to handle. I admire those who are still with their "high school sweethearts" because they, to me, seem to have beat the system in some way.
Being young and in love is a very dangerous thing. You act out on your emotions without thought most of the time (at least I did) and for me, things in my life were put on hold that shouldn't have. I sacrificed so many important factors in my life so that I could enjoy this one emotion-Love.
But falling in love was exciting and after about two years and a handful of awful events in our relationship, we called it quits-well I did. I just woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to be with him forever- that I was young and that I wanted to see the world without him by my side- that maybe it was possible that I could live without him in my life. And so I made the dreaded phone call and with only a few tears, said my good-bye.
The easiest part about the break up was that he already lived out of state. So, though there were plenty of phone calls, there was no seeing each other. Which to be honest, if we did live in the same place and I tried to break up with him, I think that I would've been persuaded to stay with him. Maybe I knew that we weren't meant to be for awhile and once he moved away was when I realized it.
My second love (current love) is oh so much better. We fell in love ridiculously fast and while I had a lot of the same rushing and thrilling emotions, I have had the experience of knowing how to control ALL of my emotions instead of focusing on only one.
It's been 3 and a half years now and I'm getting scared. Not that I don't love him...or whether or not I want to be with him. But I'm starting to have some feelings of being settled and I think we've both become comfortable. Which is odd because we're not even engaged, how do I feel so settled? We have a routine. We wake up early, go to bed early. Every day is the same. I'm getting bored. We've lost some connection too. It made me think back onto my first love. What if this is just what happens to relationships? What if this is just what happens with me in relationships? Maybe I'm incapable to have a lasting, loving relationship.
Do I still love him?
Yes
Am I happy with him?
Yes and No
We've been fighting a lot. We're stressed so we get irritated with each other. Then we get more stressed and more irritated. We don't find humor in anything anymore. We go into separate rooms to watch our shows. When did I wake up in a 50 year long, unhappy marriage!?
Is it fading? Are we fading as a couple? What can you do to steer in the opposite direction? I don't want to end things. He's wonderful to and for me (other than when he's irritated). Is this normal? Do other couples that seem so great have these problems? Does this mean we're doomed? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!
So we had a talk.
(and I'm very proud of myself because I didn't cry that much)
The topic of breaking up came up. We both quickly agreed that that was not what we wanted. But if things keep going how they do, we're not going to be happy together and it seemed like breaking up made more sense.
Except for something. There's something in me and in him that doesn't want to quit. There's something in us that is telling us to explore and find a way to fix this. No we're not married. But I still feel a sort of commitment to him. There's no ring or paper but there's that something.
"I want to feel close to you again, I miss you"
That got me. (tears started coming) He misses what we had. He wants this to work just as much as I do. He's feeling the same scary feelings!
So we proceeded with answering all of those questions. And each of us reflected on ourselves to discover what we are dealing with personally that is effecting the relationship.
It's not fading! It's been blocked by all the negativity and crappy stuff. There's no need to get fired up about something silly. It's ok if when he gets home from work, tired from working a 12 hour day, that he doesn't want to stay up late to talk. :)
There's a difference between my two loves (well there's a lot). When I contemplated breaking up with my first love, I got it done. I didn't second guess it, I wanted and knew that it was time. When I contemplated a break up with my love now, I got an ache in my stomach. I didn't want to end things and give up. I had a talk with him to figure out how he was feeling, not to end things.
That happened Friday evening. It's Sunday and I feel significantly better. We feel better. I can feel the happiness and security. I can see the Love again and am letting myself really feel it for the first time in awhile. I'm probably sharing too much. :\
I think that love can disappear.
I think love can come and go.
I think love can last.
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