Ohhh Love!

Does it last?
Or does it come and go?
Or does it, overtime, disappear?

-LOVE-

I've been in love twice now. At 23...not sure if that's a good thing or not.
I've been lucky with my two loves. My first love was an experience that was, like most first loves, thrilling and a huge rush of emotions that at the age of 17, you don't really know how to handle. I admire those who are still with their "high school sweethearts" because they, to me, seem to have beat the system in some way.

Being young and in love is a very dangerous thing. You act out on your emotions without thought most of the time (at least I did) and for me, things in my life were put on hold that shouldn't have. I sacrificed so many important factors in my life so that I could enjoy this one emotion-Love.

But falling in love was exciting and after about two years and a handful of awful events in our relationship, we called it quits-well I did. I just woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to be with him forever- that I was young and that I wanted to see the world without him by my side- that maybe it was possible that I could live without him in my life. And so I made the dreaded phone call and with only a few tears, said my good-bye.
The easiest part about the break up was that he already lived out of state. So, though there were plenty of phone calls, there was no seeing each other. Which to be honest, if we did live in the same place and I tried to break up with him, I think that I would've been persuaded to stay with him. Maybe I knew that we weren't meant to be for awhile and once he moved away was when I realized it.

My second love (current love) is oh so much better. We fell in love ridiculously fast and while I had a lot of the same rushing and thrilling emotions, I have had the experience of knowing how to control ALL of my emotions instead of focusing on only one.

It's been 3 and a half years now and I'm getting scared. Not that I don't love him...or whether or not I want to be with him. But I'm starting to have some feelings of being settled and I think we've both become comfortable. Which is odd because we're not even engaged, how do I feel so settled? We have a routine. We wake up early, go to bed early. Every day is the same. I'm getting bored. We've lost some connection too. It made me think back onto my first love. What if this is just what happens to relationships? What if this is just what happens with me in relationships? Maybe I'm incapable to have a lasting, loving relationship.

Do I still love him?
Yes

Am I happy with him?
Yes and No

We've been fighting a lot. We're stressed so we get irritated with each other. Then we get more stressed and more irritated. We don't find humor in anything anymore. We go into separate rooms to watch our shows. When did I wake up in a 50 year long, unhappy marriage!?

Is it fading? Are we fading as a couple? What can you do to steer in the opposite direction? I don't want to end things. He's wonderful to and for me (other than when he's irritated). Is this normal? Do other couples that seem so great have these problems? Does this mean we're doomed? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!

So we had a talk.
(and I'm very proud of myself because I didn't cry that much)

The topic of breaking up came up. We both quickly agreed that that was not what we wanted. But if things keep going how they do, we're not going to be happy together and it seemed like breaking up made more sense.

Except for something. There's something in me and in him that doesn't want to quit. There's something in us that is telling us to explore and find a way to fix this. No we're not married. But I still feel a sort of commitment to him. There's no ring or paper but there's that something.

"I want to feel close to you again, I miss you"

That got me. (tears started coming) He misses what we had. He wants this to work just as much as I do. He's feeling the same scary feelings!

So we proceeded with answering all of those questions. And each of us reflected on ourselves to discover what we are dealing with personally that is effecting the relationship.

It's not fading! It's been blocked by all the negativity and crappy stuff. There's no need to get fired up about something silly. It's ok if when he gets home from work, tired from working a 12 hour day, that he doesn't want to stay up late to talk. :)

There's a difference between my two loves (well there's a lot). When I contemplated breaking up with my first love, I got it done. I didn't second guess it, I wanted and knew that it was time. When I contemplated a break up with my love now, I got an ache in my stomach. I didn't want to end things and give up. I had a talk with him to figure out how he was feeling, not to end things.

That happened Friday evening. It's Sunday and I feel significantly better. We feel better. I can feel the happiness and security. I can see the Love again and am letting myself really feel it for the first time in awhile. I'm probably sharing too much. :\

I think that love can disappear.

I think love can come and go.

I think love can last.