Day 01: Introduce Yourself

Hola! Yo soy Tessa! I'm a twenty something, Texas raised gal who's been on the search for life's adventures for quite some time now! An adventure has been sent my way recently making the last four months and the next 5 months only the beginning! I live in the Austin area and am going through all the normal changes and life decisions we all go through at this very young age! A dog...a cat...and a bun in the oven, my husband and I live a happy and healthy life discovering the world! :)

Thirty Day Challenge

Day 01: Introduce yourself

Day 02: Your first love

Day 03: Your parents

Day 04: What you ate today

Day 05: Your definition of love

Day 06: Your day

Day 07: Your best friend

Day 08: A moment

Day 09: Your beliefs

Day 10: What you wore today

Day 11: Your siblings

Day 12: What's in your bag

Day 13: This week

Day 14: What you wore today

Day 15: Your dreams

Day 16: Your first kiss

Day 17: Your favorite memory

Day 18: Your favorite birthday

Day 19: Something you regret

Day 20: This month

Day 21: Another moment

Day 22: Something that upsets you

Day 23: Something that makes you feel better

Day 24: Something that makes you cry

Day 25: A first

Day 26: Your tears

Day 27: A favorite place

Day 28: Something that you miss

Day 29: Your aspirations

Day 30: One last moment

Life has been a'changin!

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I've believed that ever since I broke up with a boyfriend at the age of 15 and had to find the good that was coming from the break up--why we dated, what I learned, why God had me even experience that short relationship. Ever since I discovered that belief, I've applied it with all my struggles and obstacles in life. You can learn from anything and everything! And I am constantly on the search for all challenges!

I've been out of school for two years now and have yet to find a job that provides a livable salary or has challenged and helped me grow in my career. I got my teaching certificate and have been on the search ever since. I work well with kids, enjoy them and love watching them grow! I would make a great teacher! (Not trying to toot my own horn here, just confident in my abilities) I've had a few interviews and have been working with special needs children and have not landed a job! Now with all these budget cuts, it's almost impossible!

A few months ago (~6 or 7) I was crying to a friend about how my life is going nowhere. I have been on the search for "the reason" for my career struggle, and financial struggle as well and have not come up with any results! Why hasn't God allowed me to use my skills and talents with children and as a teacher to help the school system and these kiddos?! I want it so bad!

Be careful what you wish for :)

About 3 1/2 months ago, my boyfriend of over 4 years decided to pop the question! Such an exciting time! Being engaged is so much fun and magical! Tons of giddy feelings and constant smiles!--Something is finally happening in my life that's worth talking about!!

Wait a minute...be CAREFUL what you wish for....

Three weeks after the proposal, I noticed some body changes that were undeniable...I'M PREGNANT! Nothing happening in my life!??! Yea! We rushed the wedding a little bit and now only half a year after crying about my boring life, I'm now happily married with a baby boy on the way!  And now have new career plans that I am so excited about!

God's laughin now!!! Everything happens for a reason, I haven't gotten that teaching job because I have one thing to focus on right now, being a mommy. I wasn't positive about going back to school, because I need more time to think about what I want to go back for, this gives me more time to think about it. I have been struggling to help make me a stronger person, to give me experience with kids, and to really think and feel for what I'm supposed to be doing for my life...that's "the reason"

I LOVE FINDING MEANINGS!!

Letting Go: Part 1

I wanted to share something that I wrote awhile ago... When I was in high school I fell in love yadda yadda yadda well that love turned into an experience that has been really hard for me to let go of, until recently. My "love" at the time ended up getting addicted to meth and I recently found some stuff that I wrote about it...I'm assuming I was writing a book but never finished (which I have many "books in the making", that's no surprise). Anyways I wanted to share some of it...


WARNING: there's some embarrassing and not so proud moments written...maybe hard for some to read.

I

What about the girlfriend? What about the one who is in love with him? Not just loves him, but IN love?

He started crying. He had a blank stare but was starting to cry-then weep-now sobbing. He hates himself and knows what a shithead he is. Probably doesn’t really know because right now all he can think about is how quickly he can leave my dorm, get to his car and drive 40 minutes south so he can get his real love. 

He used to love me. He used to want me. He used to dream about me, spend money for me, talk about me. Now all he does is think, breathe, sleep for meth. Actually there is no sleeping at all. Except for when he comes to my dorm to sleep for a full day or two. And then up and gone the moment Mike, the dealer, calls.

He just woke up. I’ve been trying for hours to get him up so maybe we can spend some speckle of time together. I literally jumped on the small, twin sized bed a few times but he didn’t even nudge. 

That damn, fucking dealer. Fuck him and his stupid pit bulls. 

I’m supposed to be out having fun my freshman year of college. I’m supposed to be meeting people and discovering who I am as an independent. But what am I doing instead? Trying to hang out with my druggie, cracked out, low life boyfriend. I’m worrying about him day in and day out. I have no life of my own.

I don’t know how long he’ll go this time without sleep or calling me. This time I hadn’t heard from him for two days. He had his phone off ignoring me. I feel like his fucking mother, always worrying. 

I am all alone. No one knows. 

Maybe I should tell his mom-no. He will get better. He will realize he is ruining his life and will get better. He has to if he wants to be with me. Which he does because what we had was too perfect to throw away. This is just a phase.

How long will he be gone? He called me last night at 3 in the morning crying. He hadn’t been asleep in probably the two days he’d been avoiding me. He was already on his way when he called. I couldn’t say no because with him here, I know he’s safe. 

He hasn’t even woken up to pee all day. I don’t know what time he fell asleep. He was still up when I left this morning for class at 7:30. It’s 9 p.m. now and he’s been dead asleep-until now. Fucking Mike. Calling my best friend back, away from me. 

All I can do is see how long I can get him to stay. It has turned into a game. Me vs. him-only it’s not fun at all. The love of my life is about to leave me again for a drug called “ice.” I’ve learned that guilt trips don’t work. The moment I make him feel more guilty and more down about himself, the quicker he reaches for that one substance that makes him feel great.

Sex. What eighteen year old male would turn it away? I try to get naked in front of the door-naked block-there’s no way he’s going to resist. He’s gotta be itchin for some sort of touch, it’s been awhile since we’ve done anything sexually together. I start to touch him, unbutton his pants and offer to do anything if he stays with me. I’m crying the moment I make the offer. I don’t mean to but it just starts pouring out. 

DAMN IT-guilt. 

I probably look ridiculous. I can’t breathe because not only is he going to leave at any moment but he no longer wants me. My body is not working. Crying is not working. I try to block the door knob. He’s really skinny and weak, I have somewhat of a chance.

I’m at my all time weakest point emotionally. “Please, please please! I beg you, just stay. WHAT ABOUT ME!?” I’m yelling. “What about what I need?! You need that stupid fucking drug but I NEED YOU! I need my best friend too! I’ve been here for you, now where are you for me?! I need you to love me and hold me! You’re my best friend. Please, please please!”

I can’t stop crying-hold it in. Maybe he’ll stay a second longer...

Gone.

So fast-he’s gone.

I hope no one down the hall can hear me, though without a doubt, I know they can.

This moment-I’m uncontrollably crying like a three year old who wants her mommy. Only I can’t call my mommy and tell her my drug addicted boyfriend who “loves” me has left me again crying so he can go use.

Why have I let myself get to this point? How have I gotten here? I’m the girlfriend to a meth head. I am the girlfriend to a meth head?!

He just left again. And I’m sitting here crying after yet another unsuccessful, pathetic beg for him not to leave me for that life-sucking drug. 

I dial his number but his phone is already off. I push talk again just in case. Maybe he just had no service. It rings once, then voicemail. Here we go again.

My roommate has come home. We have separate bedrooms but share a living area and bathroom. 

Stop crying. Perk up-Stop crying Tessa. Stop fucking crying!

After I’ve let my red face clear, I have to go out and watch our weekly show. 

She asks me if I’m okay and I lie.

Stuck

I'm feeling...stuck

I feel like my life isn't going anywhere. I know that sounds silly considering I'm only 23...but I'M 23! And I feel that I have nothing to show for it!

People my age have good jobs...are engaged or married...buying houses...expecting a child...

I'm not even sure if I want any of that right now..maybe I do or maybe I'm just thinking that I want it because people around me have it..

I just don't feel like my life is improving or moving forward.

Saturday I met up with my old roommate whom I haven't seen in nearly 2 years...yes we've chatted on the phone a few times but I was so excited to see her and really catch up!...except I had nothing to tell her...nothing! I literally said the words..."umm hmm nothings really new with me!"

Because nothing is. I graduated school A YEAR AND A HALF AGO (eek) and got an ok job-not the job I really want still but I do love it- and I've just been living day to day with no improvements, no changes, no new life explorations. Just living.

I'm stuck.

I don't even know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I want.

Practically every time I get on facebook I see another couple engaged or pregnant. I don't feel like I'm fulfilling my life the way I should be.

I don't know why I'm so upset about this. I'm happy...I really am! Though my job isn't EXACTLY what I want, I love my it...I love my man...I love my house, my dog, my family, my friends!

And I'm not sure I'm ready to get married and I'm definitely not ready to have a baby! I need/want to find that job that I get to go home and say "yes! I'm a teacher and I absolutely LOVE my job!" I want to be able to update people with some actual info...some actual events and happenings. But I got nothin'! YET!

I just want to feel like I'm living..and right now all I feel is stuck.

LADIES ONLY!

I title this "Ladies Only" as if any guy actually reads my blogs...
but really I'm meaning "LADIES COME TOGETHER!"

I've always been someone who writes. I started doing it when I was 6 years old when I would have a crush on a boy...almost every entry, I had a new crush! hehe :)

In high school I started writing to vent. To let things out that I couldn't say out loud and to express myself that I didn't feel comfortable saying to anyone. It became my therapy and as pathetic as it may sound, a best friend. You don't have to censor what you say when you write. You can write about anyone and everyone, all your emotions and secrets. And while developing as a teen, I sure had a lot of emotions.

Gosh all the entries about how much I "hated" my parents and how they were out to make my life hell! How could they be so horrible to me!?

You don't have to censor what you say when you write. You can write about anyone and everyone, all your emotions and secrets.

NOT SO MUCH.

When I was 15 and my parents were suspicious of me sexin, druggin, and boozin it up...they did a search. A good search...where they found my journal. This is one of the ways my mother and I are the same- too curious/concerned not to invade into someone's privacy.

FOR THE RECORD, I WOULD NEVER READ ANYONE'S PERSONAL DIARY OR INFORMATION...I learned how hurtful that can be (I'm like my mother because of the curious part and the invade into someone's business a.k.a. asking too many questions!)

Maybe when I'm a mother to a daughter like myself, I will understand??
Right now, not so much.

They learned everything there was to learn about their 15 year old daughter. And I do mean everything. Things you DO NOT want your psychologist parents to learn about their outgoing, partying teenage daughter who is attempting to win their trust over so getting her license by her 16th bday is somewhat of a possibility. (didn't happen b-t-dub!)

The thing is though, you shouldn't have to censor your personal journal. You SHOULD be able to write what you want, when you want! This was my therapy and getaway from reality so I could truly, 100% be myself. I know I hurt my parents with some of the things that I had written, but they were never to see any of those words!

Also for the record, I was not sexin or druggin at 15...maybe a little boozin but nothing too crazy!! :)

I started this blog to talk about how now the only time I end up writing is to vent about how much I hate my monthly emotional breakdown, bitch fest and cramping!

It's true. The only time I pick up a pen is to complain about Joseph or work or something that isn't even worth complaining about...it coincidentally lands all on the same time each month.

I used to write about beautiful things. I used to write and write and write about how wonderful Joseph was and how I was quickly falling in love with him. I used to write songs and poems. How much I care for my family and how great the weather is! I used to write practically everyday! And it felt great!

Looks like I need to make more of an effort to journal on a more frequent basis. Two years ago that was one of my New Year's resolutions- write in journal everyday...even if there isn't much to write about.

Therapy is therapy. Usually different people have different types, and writing is mine. Whether I'm good at it or not. (P.S.-I'm writing about this right now for a reason ((time of month))..eek...and I already feel better!) Even if I don't have any huge significance to write, I can at least talk about how great life is or how wonderful he is to me.

Or maybe write a prayer like I used to in my prayer journal growing up. It's uplifting and helpful in so many ways.

I started writing tonight to complain about how being a girl can be so frustrating and how much I hate being mad or upset with Joseph for no good reason. A friend of mine once blogged about a term she coined "ITA" the Intention To Argue and I was going to fuel off that and talk about how often I tend to ITA during this time of the month. That's why I titled this "Ladies Only." I wanted some support. But I have seemed to find it just by writing and expressing some emotion...even if it wasn't about what I had intended to write about.

Doesn't seem as if this blog is really about that though...maybe I need to change the title. Shows you what an ADD person I am and how much I can get off track!

Writing works for me. Maybe you should try it to!? Even if it's just about something silly or if you're sad about something. I've found so many solutions in my problems from just writing stuff out. Stress has gotten released too many times to count by just writing out how much I hate something (or the actions of someone)...give it a try!

Once I started an entry saying "Gosh I'm so upset! All I want right now is a cigarette, or a drink...or maybe I should smoke some pot!" and I ended the entry with "I feel soo much better! No need for any intoxicating substance, I've got a pen and paper that'll do just fine!"

Snow Bummies :(

One of the best perks about working in the school system??--SPRING BREAK!!! Yep! Adults getting spring break is AWESOME! I'm sure that everyone could use a whole week off work while getting paid for it and it feels amazing so far.

All last week I was so excited for friday afternoon. Every day all the teachers would say "4 more days till Friday!!..." " 2 more days till friday!!..." etc.

Friday came and I had to rush. I leave the school at 3:30, our flight for Colorado was at 6:15...which means we SHOULD be there no later than 4-4:30. But getting off work at 3:30 and then having to go pick Joseph's sister and him up, making it to the airport at 4 seemed impossible..and it was.

With Austin having bad traffic regularly, SXSW started this weekend, the rodeo started this weekend, and all schools going on spring break...traffic was beyond horrendous!

We finally made it to the airport at 5:15. PHEW! We have an hour to check in, check our bags, go through security and make it the gate--no problem!

All I could think about was "this time tomorrow we will be in the snow!"

We got to the gate and unfamiliar words started flowing out of a very serious man's mouth and I had to step back to try to comprehend. "If you could please step aside, we are trying to find some passengers to volunteer to take a different flight. Once we find some then you will be able to board the plane"

WHAT!?!?

"Wait, we aren't stand by. We already paid for these tickets" I still wasn't understanding how he could possibly be making this mistake.

"Ma'am, this flight has been overbooked and we are trying to find volunteers who will be willing to take a different flight."

WWWHHHHAAATTTT!?!?!? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THEY OVERBOOK A FLIGHT?!!?

After sitting around for about an hour and a half, they politely approached us to inform us that we would not be en route to Colorado that evening. NOOOoooo!!!!!

Southwest is not a good airline (I just had to mention this...not much more to say about them.)

They were able to get Amanda a flight out the next morning but that was the best they could do...Colorado became an untouchable dream for Joseph and I. What were we to do now??

Well since Southwest made this mistake (and they suck), they offered to double the amount of the one way ticket price out to colorado AS WELL AS give us each round trip credit for another time we would like to fly somewhere (as if we'd really choose to fly with southwest ever again).

The check that was written out to us ended up being a pretty nice amount.

Do we save it for something responsible (upcoming bills, savings, credit card payments, groceries)??

OR

Do we treat ourselves to some spring break enjoyment?? √√√√√√√√√√

I mean it's money that we kinda fell into...FREE MONEY!! We deserve to have a little fun and enjoy ourselves after they screwed up our spring break trip and his whole family would be skiing while we were sitting on our booties moping around :(

So we went and got margaritas...

We woke up the next morning and decided we would head to the woodlands to go see my family and pick up Lola who they were taking care of while we were supposed to be high in the mountains.

But before we went to the woodlands...we got pedicures-thats right! Joseph got a pedicure..AND LOVED IT!

We then got massages...one of the best massages I've ever had. We headed to the Woodlands and spent a day and a half relaxing and enjoying time with family and friends.

For three years..maybe three and a half I've been begging Joseph to take us horseback riding. I love horseback riding, always have and haven't done it in years. And darn it, it'd be nice to do something different and fun!

So today we went! And it was gorgeous in the texas hill country!! And it was a lot of fun!

oooh spring break!!!