Letting Go: Part 1

I wanted to share something that I wrote awhile ago... When I was in high school I fell in love yadda yadda yadda well that love turned into an experience that has been really hard for me to let go of, until recently. My "love" at the time ended up getting addicted to meth and I recently found some stuff that I wrote about it...I'm assuming I was writing a book but never finished (which I have many "books in the making", that's no surprise). Anyways I wanted to share some of it...


WARNING: there's some embarrassing and not so proud moments written...maybe hard for some to read.

I

What about the girlfriend? What about the one who is in love with him? Not just loves him, but IN love?

He started crying. He had a blank stare but was starting to cry-then weep-now sobbing. He hates himself and knows what a shithead he is. Probably doesn’t really know because right now all he can think about is how quickly he can leave my dorm, get to his car and drive 40 minutes south so he can get his real love. 

He used to love me. He used to want me. He used to dream about me, spend money for me, talk about me. Now all he does is think, breathe, sleep for meth. Actually there is no sleeping at all. Except for when he comes to my dorm to sleep for a full day or two. And then up and gone the moment Mike, the dealer, calls.

He just woke up. I’ve been trying for hours to get him up so maybe we can spend some speckle of time together. I literally jumped on the small, twin sized bed a few times but he didn’t even nudge. 

That damn, fucking dealer. Fuck him and his stupid pit bulls. 

I’m supposed to be out having fun my freshman year of college. I’m supposed to be meeting people and discovering who I am as an independent. But what am I doing instead? Trying to hang out with my druggie, cracked out, low life boyfriend. I’m worrying about him day in and day out. I have no life of my own.

I don’t know how long he’ll go this time without sleep or calling me. This time I hadn’t heard from him for two days. He had his phone off ignoring me. I feel like his fucking mother, always worrying. 

I am all alone. No one knows. 

Maybe I should tell his mom-no. He will get better. He will realize he is ruining his life and will get better. He has to if he wants to be with me. Which he does because what we had was too perfect to throw away. This is just a phase.

How long will he be gone? He called me last night at 3 in the morning crying. He hadn’t been asleep in probably the two days he’d been avoiding me. He was already on his way when he called. I couldn’t say no because with him here, I know he’s safe. 

He hasn’t even woken up to pee all day. I don’t know what time he fell asleep. He was still up when I left this morning for class at 7:30. It’s 9 p.m. now and he’s been dead asleep-until now. Fucking Mike. Calling my best friend back, away from me. 

All I can do is see how long I can get him to stay. It has turned into a game. Me vs. him-only it’s not fun at all. The love of my life is about to leave me again for a drug called “ice.” I’ve learned that guilt trips don’t work. The moment I make him feel more guilty and more down about himself, the quicker he reaches for that one substance that makes him feel great.

Sex. What eighteen year old male would turn it away? I try to get naked in front of the door-naked block-there’s no way he’s going to resist. He’s gotta be itchin for some sort of touch, it’s been awhile since we’ve done anything sexually together. I start to touch him, unbutton his pants and offer to do anything if he stays with me. I’m crying the moment I make the offer. I don’t mean to but it just starts pouring out. 

DAMN IT-guilt. 

I probably look ridiculous. I can’t breathe because not only is he going to leave at any moment but he no longer wants me. My body is not working. Crying is not working. I try to block the door knob. He’s really skinny and weak, I have somewhat of a chance.

I’m at my all time weakest point emotionally. “Please, please please! I beg you, just stay. WHAT ABOUT ME!?” I’m yelling. “What about what I need?! You need that stupid fucking drug but I NEED YOU! I need my best friend too! I’ve been here for you, now where are you for me?! I need you to love me and hold me! You’re my best friend. Please, please please!”

I can’t stop crying-hold it in. Maybe he’ll stay a second longer...

Gone.

So fast-he’s gone.

I hope no one down the hall can hear me, though without a doubt, I know they can.

This moment-I’m uncontrollably crying like a three year old who wants her mommy. Only I can’t call my mommy and tell her my drug addicted boyfriend who “loves” me has left me again crying so he can go use.

Why have I let myself get to this point? How have I gotten here? I’m the girlfriend to a meth head. I am the girlfriend to a meth head?!

He just left again. And I’m sitting here crying after yet another unsuccessful, pathetic beg for him not to leave me for that life-sucking drug. 

I dial his number but his phone is already off. I push talk again just in case. Maybe he just had no service. It rings once, then voicemail. Here we go again.

My roommate has come home. We have separate bedrooms but share a living area and bathroom. 

Stop crying. Perk up-Stop crying Tessa. Stop fucking crying!

After I’ve let my red face clear, I have to go out and watch our weekly show. 

She asks me if I’m okay and I lie.

Stuck

I'm feeling...stuck

I feel like my life isn't going anywhere. I know that sounds silly considering I'm only 23...but I'M 23! And I feel that I have nothing to show for it!

People my age have good jobs...are engaged or married...buying houses...expecting a child...

I'm not even sure if I want any of that right now..maybe I do or maybe I'm just thinking that I want it because people around me have it..

I just don't feel like my life is improving or moving forward.

Saturday I met up with my old roommate whom I haven't seen in nearly 2 years...yes we've chatted on the phone a few times but I was so excited to see her and really catch up!...except I had nothing to tell her...nothing! I literally said the words..."umm hmm nothings really new with me!"

Because nothing is. I graduated school A YEAR AND A HALF AGO (eek) and got an ok job-not the job I really want still but I do love it- and I've just been living day to day with no improvements, no changes, no new life explorations. Just living.

I'm stuck.

I don't even know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I want.

Practically every time I get on facebook I see another couple engaged or pregnant. I don't feel like I'm fulfilling my life the way I should be.

I don't know why I'm so upset about this. I'm happy...I really am! Though my job isn't EXACTLY what I want, I love my it...I love my man...I love my house, my dog, my family, my friends!

And I'm not sure I'm ready to get married and I'm definitely not ready to have a baby! I need/want to find that job that I get to go home and say "yes! I'm a teacher and I absolutely LOVE my job!" I want to be able to update people with some actual info...some actual events and happenings. But I got nothin'! YET!

I just want to feel like I'm living..and right now all I feel is stuck.

LADIES ONLY!

I title this "Ladies Only" as if any guy actually reads my blogs...
but really I'm meaning "LADIES COME TOGETHER!"

I've always been someone who writes. I started doing it when I was 6 years old when I would have a crush on a boy...almost every entry, I had a new crush! hehe :)

In high school I started writing to vent. To let things out that I couldn't say out loud and to express myself that I didn't feel comfortable saying to anyone. It became my therapy and as pathetic as it may sound, a best friend. You don't have to censor what you say when you write. You can write about anyone and everyone, all your emotions and secrets. And while developing as a teen, I sure had a lot of emotions.

Gosh all the entries about how much I "hated" my parents and how they were out to make my life hell! How could they be so horrible to me!?

You don't have to censor what you say when you write. You can write about anyone and everyone, all your emotions and secrets.

NOT SO MUCH.

When I was 15 and my parents were suspicious of me sexin, druggin, and boozin it up...they did a search. A good search...where they found my journal. This is one of the ways my mother and I are the same- too curious/concerned not to invade into someone's privacy.

FOR THE RECORD, I WOULD NEVER READ ANYONE'S PERSONAL DIARY OR INFORMATION...I learned how hurtful that can be (I'm like my mother because of the curious part and the invade into someone's business a.k.a. asking too many questions!)

Maybe when I'm a mother to a daughter like myself, I will understand??
Right now, not so much.

They learned everything there was to learn about their 15 year old daughter. And I do mean everything. Things you DO NOT want your psychologist parents to learn about their outgoing, partying teenage daughter who is attempting to win their trust over so getting her license by her 16th bday is somewhat of a possibility. (didn't happen b-t-dub!)

The thing is though, you shouldn't have to censor your personal journal. You SHOULD be able to write what you want, when you want! This was my therapy and getaway from reality so I could truly, 100% be myself. I know I hurt my parents with some of the things that I had written, but they were never to see any of those words!

Also for the record, I was not sexin or druggin at 15...maybe a little boozin but nothing too crazy!! :)

I started this blog to talk about how now the only time I end up writing is to vent about how much I hate my monthly emotional breakdown, bitch fest and cramping!

It's true. The only time I pick up a pen is to complain about Joseph or work or something that isn't even worth complaining about...it coincidentally lands all on the same time each month.

I used to write about beautiful things. I used to write and write and write about how wonderful Joseph was and how I was quickly falling in love with him. I used to write songs and poems. How much I care for my family and how great the weather is! I used to write practically everyday! And it felt great!

Looks like I need to make more of an effort to journal on a more frequent basis. Two years ago that was one of my New Year's resolutions- write in journal everyday...even if there isn't much to write about.

Therapy is therapy. Usually different people have different types, and writing is mine. Whether I'm good at it or not. (P.S.-I'm writing about this right now for a reason ((time of month))..eek...and I already feel better!) Even if I don't have any huge significance to write, I can at least talk about how great life is or how wonderful he is to me.

Or maybe write a prayer like I used to in my prayer journal growing up. It's uplifting and helpful in so many ways.

I started writing tonight to complain about how being a girl can be so frustrating and how much I hate being mad or upset with Joseph for no good reason. A friend of mine once blogged about a term she coined "ITA" the Intention To Argue and I was going to fuel off that and talk about how often I tend to ITA during this time of the month. That's why I titled this "Ladies Only." I wanted some support. But I have seemed to find it just by writing and expressing some emotion...even if it wasn't about what I had intended to write about.

Doesn't seem as if this blog is really about that though...maybe I need to change the title. Shows you what an ADD person I am and how much I can get off track!

Writing works for me. Maybe you should try it to!? Even if it's just about something silly or if you're sad about something. I've found so many solutions in my problems from just writing stuff out. Stress has gotten released too many times to count by just writing out how much I hate something (or the actions of someone)...give it a try!

Once I started an entry saying "Gosh I'm so upset! All I want right now is a cigarette, or a drink...or maybe I should smoke some pot!" and I ended the entry with "I feel soo much better! No need for any intoxicating substance, I've got a pen and paper that'll do just fine!"

Snow Bummies :(

One of the best perks about working in the school system??--SPRING BREAK!!! Yep! Adults getting spring break is AWESOME! I'm sure that everyone could use a whole week off work while getting paid for it and it feels amazing so far.

All last week I was so excited for friday afternoon. Every day all the teachers would say "4 more days till Friday!!..." " 2 more days till friday!!..." etc.

Friday came and I had to rush. I leave the school at 3:30, our flight for Colorado was at 6:15...which means we SHOULD be there no later than 4-4:30. But getting off work at 3:30 and then having to go pick Joseph's sister and him up, making it to the airport at 4 seemed impossible..and it was.

With Austin having bad traffic regularly, SXSW started this weekend, the rodeo started this weekend, and all schools going on spring break...traffic was beyond horrendous!

We finally made it to the airport at 5:15. PHEW! We have an hour to check in, check our bags, go through security and make it the gate--no problem!

All I could think about was "this time tomorrow we will be in the snow!"

We got to the gate and unfamiliar words started flowing out of a very serious man's mouth and I had to step back to try to comprehend. "If you could please step aside, we are trying to find some passengers to volunteer to take a different flight. Once we find some then you will be able to board the plane"

WHAT!?!?

"Wait, we aren't stand by. We already paid for these tickets" I still wasn't understanding how he could possibly be making this mistake.

"Ma'am, this flight has been overbooked and we are trying to find volunteers who will be willing to take a different flight."

WWWHHHHAAATTTT!?!?!? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THEY OVERBOOK A FLIGHT?!!?

After sitting around for about an hour and a half, they politely approached us to inform us that we would not be en route to Colorado that evening. NOOOoooo!!!!!

Southwest is not a good airline (I just had to mention this...not much more to say about them.)

They were able to get Amanda a flight out the next morning but that was the best they could do...Colorado became an untouchable dream for Joseph and I. What were we to do now??

Well since Southwest made this mistake (and they suck), they offered to double the amount of the one way ticket price out to colorado AS WELL AS give us each round trip credit for another time we would like to fly somewhere (as if we'd really choose to fly with southwest ever again).

The check that was written out to us ended up being a pretty nice amount.

Do we save it for something responsible (upcoming bills, savings, credit card payments, groceries)??

OR

Do we treat ourselves to some spring break enjoyment?? √√√√√√√√√√

I mean it's money that we kinda fell into...FREE MONEY!! We deserve to have a little fun and enjoy ourselves after they screwed up our spring break trip and his whole family would be skiing while we were sitting on our booties moping around :(

So we went and got margaritas...

We woke up the next morning and decided we would head to the woodlands to go see my family and pick up Lola who they were taking care of while we were supposed to be high in the mountains.

But before we went to the woodlands...we got pedicures-thats right! Joseph got a pedicure..AND LOVED IT!

We then got massages...one of the best massages I've ever had. We headed to the Woodlands and spent a day and a half relaxing and enjoying time with family and friends.

For three years..maybe three and a half I've been begging Joseph to take us horseback riding. I love horseback riding, always have and haven't done it in years. And darn it, it'd be nice to do something different and fun!

So today we went! And it was gorgeous in the texas hill country!! And it was a lot of fun!

oooh spring break!!!

Weight...WAIT!

I haven't worked out in two weeks--

TWO WEEKS!!!!

I feel so guilty...but at the same time, not enough to get me to go. Looks like I'm in a rut. OH CRAP! I don't want to be in a rut, but I can't make myself go!

What happened to that motivation I had goin for me??

My mom said I've hit a plateau. I've lost 5 lbs. since I started my workout/healthy eating thing and I haven't been able to kick more lbs. off yet! I need/want to lose another 8-10 but keep sitting on the same weight no matter how little and healthy I eat and how much I work out. She assures me that I need to stick to it because I WILL eventually keep losing weight, I just have to get by this plateau stage.

So how do I get myself back to the gym?? How do I put myself back on the healthy eating obsession I had going for a bit?

Is this about being healthy or am I trying to just be skinny??

Ever since I can remember, I've had an obsession with my weight. You can ask pretty much any roommate I've ever had...any coworker I've complained to...I'm NEVER happy with my weight and it always becomes a topic that I talk people's ears off about.

I'm not even fat. I know I'm not. I may not be happy with the way I look sometimes but I do know that I'm not fat. It's taken me a very long time to be able to realize that. I've had this obsession with my weight since I was in high school because I truly believed that I was fat. HA! Sure wish I could go back to that body I had then!

No I'm not fat, but in my family... I'm the biggest one. Especially after my mom discovered this quick weight loss diet that has worked wonders for her. She looks awesome!

After dabbling a little with very unhealthy weight-loss techniques... :\
I finally landed on adderall-that's healthy right?? (I hope you know I'm kidding)

I took adderall for years. Technically I do have ADHD (ha, I'm sure any of my former teachers would attest to that). I was diagnosed at a young age (one of the perks of having psychologist parents!) and have taken some sort of ADD/ADHD medicine since the age of 9. But I was never consistent with it.

Once I realized that it worked as an appetizer suppressant, I became very consistent with it. For years my weight management was solely managed my adderall.--and then I met Joseph.

Not only did he make me feel comfortable with my body. He realized what I relied on to stay thin and did not like it at all. He finally sat me down and explained to me why it was not good to be taking that and that he didn't even like the person I was when on it.

Normal= very bubbly, giggly, outgoing person
On Adderall= quiet, anti-social, serious, sad

"Either you stop taking that drug or I walk out of that door, you choose."

EASY ANSWER. There was no way I was going to let such a great guy walk out of my life all because I can't stand to be heavier than 107 lbs.

I started gaining weight....

kept gaining weight...

can't just eat whatever I want??

gained more weight...

Waking up almost 3 years after I "quit" adderall and after eating plenty of whataburger and fried foods...I weighed myself. I saw a number that shocked me...seeing 125 large, bold and staring at me with a grin from the scale... S*** hit the fan!!
(just to explain, I know that 125 isn't a lot but I am 5'1"--My average weight for my height is 105-115)

Can't fit into those size 2 jeans I was wearing while taking adderall. Can't fit into those "fat" size 4 jeans I was wearing on bloated days.

After I started working out and eating healthy in January, like I said, I've dropped 5 lbs. I don't expect to ever get back down to 107, but I would like to get to at least 112 again--soo 8 more lbs! Only 8 more!!!!!

Adderall is still something that is floating around in the back of my head. But that would be the easy way out. I need to be healthy, toned, and happy!

That's it! I've reached my motivation point again!! Away I go to the gym! Lets be healthy and feel good about ourselves!! WITHOUT UNHEALTHY "HELP"!

P.S.-those 5 lbs have allowed me to squeeze back into those size 4's...but still wearing bigger sizes for different pants.

SNOW!?

Sooo after living in Texas for 23 years I think I've only seen it snow a total of 3 times. Actually, more like ice.

So you can understand why I got so excited last night when I heard that it might snow today. I didn't want to get my hopes up but the news said 70% chance! Usually if they say it might snow, it doesn't!


This morning while running to my car, after my sweet man started my car early to warm it up for me (aww so sweet <3), sleet was rushing down!!--GOOD SIGN!! snow could be just a few hours away! We were sitting inside watching a movie (educational of course) when I noticed...SNOW!! not just a little ice, but big flurries of SNOW!! I screamed, literally :\, then rushed the kids to get their coats so we could go play outside!



No, it was not sticking on the ground. Yes, I understand that people from up north (even just north Texas) are not by any means effected by the little amount of snow we get down south.

But seriously?? How beautiful and amazing!! At the risk of sounding silly/childish, I HAD SO MUCH FUN IN THE SNOW TODAY!! Probably more than the kids!

Though it completely ruined my DO for the day, I was thrilled and ecstatic to have gotten to play in the snow in TEXAS!!

I've skiied before, I've seen good snow. But snow in Texas?-not so much!

It ended up snowing for only about 10 minutes. Then a few hours later it started pouring down snow again and this time it DID stick to the ground!!

So happy that the kids got the opportunity to play and enjoy the snow!!

And soo happy I did too!

OH! the beer bread turned out Awesome!! I'm sure you were just DYING to know!

Finding a Reason to write...

It's been a loonnngg Monday. After a long, not very relaxing weekend, it was very difficult getting out of bed this morning. Not to mention the fact that it was raining and chilly outside, thats just my sweatpants and bed beggin me to stay snuggled up!

I have to be at work at 7 and clocked in at 7:04. Dang it! That's the billionth time I haven't made it by 7. New job means I need to be a good worker, show them that I am not EVER worth losing..and here I am showing up late. Whatever, I felt like poop so being 4 minutes late wasn't incredibly important to me.

It seemed as if the ladies I work with all seemed to be having a "poopie" morning also-phew not the only one!

On top of feeling lazy and stressed... I'm feeling tired, irritated, sore (from working out-duh!), and I have an awful headache.

What a way to start the week.

Even though I'm usually tired going into work, I try to stay positive. I'm getting much better at waking up so early and it's been easier for me to keep a smile on my face. Not to mention when the kids do cute things, it's easy to stay cheerful throughout the day.

Except today.

Today I just couldn't seem to kick it. I wouldn't say I was in a bad mood, just feeling off and not my normal happy self.

When I got home, I crawled into bed. (I get off work at 3:30 so I'm home by 3:40, perfect for afternoon nap time) But of course, wasn't feeling as tired anymore so I got up and wanted to be productive. So I attempted to hang up the new curtain I bought for our room, but who am I kidding?? Me use a drill?? HA! I really wish there was someone filming me trying to drill...made myself laugh-OOOHH I LAUGHED!!-Monday startin to look up!

I then sighed and realized that sometimes I do actually need a man to do some things around the house-like drill!

I then remembered that an old teacher that I had in the 7th grade (not old, former) has a blog that she puts recipes on. And so I decided that if I found something that I already had the ingredients for, I would be domestic and make it! BEER BREAD!! Mmmmm!!! I looovvee beer bread!! Coincidentally I had all the ingredients!!

DING!

IT'S READY!! LET YA KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT!!

(good monday!)

Hopefully tomorrow will be better... NO IT WILL BE BETTER!! HERE I COME TUESDAY!! GOOD TUESDAY!